gross

I’m dating.

I’ve been putting myself out there lately.  On a dating app, even.  A. Dating. App. 

I’ve done it.  Shopped for a soulmate online..

It has gone exactly as you’d expect it to go for a 48 year old woman with two businesses, six kids, ridiculously high standards , and emotional baggage – except not quite exactly .

fishy men

For those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of post divorce dating on the internet,  you should know that the beginning stages of internet dating aren’t really that bad.  Setting up a profile is actually a smidge of fun – choosing pictures, answering questions about yourself, outlining what your dating preferences are – coupled with a little introspective thinking, this is a pretty nice process.  

That’s how you get lured in. … with a hopeful little profile and fun questions.

It’s pretty sneaky how the anxiety slips in.  It’s the tiny smidge of worry that shows up  in little thoughts that no one will pick you.  Not one click.  Not one stranger willing to peruse your profile.  Perhaps not one single internet stranger will choose you.  It feels a lot like first day of middle school jitters – at a school filled with emotional terrorists.

But then, that fear subsides, because  some strangers DO choose you.  Curious men – ready to learn more about the grinning girl with an affinity for dessert.  The notifications start coming in – and suddenly, you’ve got options. Like or Delete.  Match or Move on. This is serious business.  No take backs.  Decide now. 

Don’t mess this up.

 It’s actually quite a lot of pressure – especially given the fact that many of the profiles follow a very similar pattern:  

Picture of Man with fish, 

Brief bio stating that they are tired of playing games and not interested in drama; 

Picture of same man sitting on a fishing boat;  

Commentary about his love for “the simple things in life”; 

Shirtless pic of same man (either in the gym or in nature); 

Witty comment about life or politics or religion; 

Picture of same man in front of mountain, lake, boat, or waterfall., or with dog.  

You must look at each fish holding shirtless man’s profile and decide if the person behind that profile is worthy of deeper conversation. 

Select your man/men… and move to the next phase.

say something

Communicating with internet strangers is hard. 

My first attempts still make me cringe as I reflect.

“hey there!”

“wow! thats a big fish! you must love the outdoors?”

“what a great pic of the mountains (ocean, waterfall, stream, etc) you must enjoy nature!”

“gym selfie! workout often?”

Repeat TIMES INFINITY.

statistically speaking

Eventually it happens. Man-holding-fish decides to shoot his shot.  The REAL questions begin.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  And this, sweet reader, is where fear and shame and emotional chaos well up in me in ways that feel suffocating.  Without fail, my hands shake and my heart pounds as I begin the process of trying to explain who I am and how I got here.

My stats aren’t great:

48

6 kids.

1 dog.

2 bakeries.

1 ministry.

2 divorces.

1 broken heart

Gross.  Gross.  Gross.

the first man

I vividly recall the very first time the internet conversation progressed past the usual pleasantries, and a man wanted to know my story.  The details.  How I got here.  All of it.  He wanted to see beyond the curated collection of information on my profile.  He wanted to KNOW me.   My palms were so sweaty as I began to try to explain.  I’ll bet I typed, deleted, edited,  and retyped that response ten times before I deleted it all over again.   

I was honestly not sure where to start.  Do I explain that I have six kids first or disclose my two failed marriages?  When’s the best time to mention that three of my kids are black?  How often is too often to mention Jesus and faith and ministry without sounding crazy? 

photo evidence

So, I chickened out and just sent a picture.  A picture of my whole crew – in all of our glory.  The herd of humans that holds my heart.  Our chaos on clear display.  Brown faces, white faces.  Tall bodies, short bodies.  Big grins, little smirks.

And, I waited for him to take it all in.

“That’s quite a beautiful family you’ve got! Tell me about the kids. Adopted?

One by one, I answered the questions and my story began to unfold.    One layer at a time, I was able to unveil the story of my beautiful life.  One connection at a time. To a stranger on the internet.

And healing began.

Retelling it was balm for my soul – a reminder that I am not a long list of stats. I am a whole person who has been shaped by the circumstances of my life- some of those circumstances by choice – and some by the choices of others.  

Turns out, I am a solid human with quite a lot to offer this world.  Every one of those embarrassing stats served as an opportunity for my faith to grow and for me to know and experience God in a fresh, new way.  

Instead of being embarrassed, I began to recognize the resilience and ridiculous optimism that have welled up in my spirit – and it made me feel pretty proud.

Putting myself out there to meet humans on the internet actually was a catalyst for some serious self reflection.   It was one of the tools that the Lord has used to rebuild my confidence.  

What a wild, weird, wonderful God we serve!  

first dates

You know what else I found out?

Some people are idiots.  They can’t see past the stats.  Or the color of a child’s skin.  And that’s ok.

BUT – more than anything, I have realized that there are a bunch of people with good hearts and great stories to tell.  I have had a blast getting to know some pretty awesome internet strangers.

I’ve had a lot of first dates that still make me CACKLE.  

Once guy spent 87% of the date telling me about his love for beets.  (not lying, I swear)

One guy shoved my purse down his pants so we could get into FedEx Forum on time for a comedy show. (I forgot my clear purse.. and he improvised. Ha!)

One guy used our date to try to convince me to be on Shark Tank with him.

One guy invited me to drive to Memphis and meet him for brunch – at Waffle House.  

One guy talked incessantly about how the universe had conspired to get the two of us together and place us in an energy funnel of love. True story.

The list is of dating shenanigans is long and hilarious.  Truly, though, every time I have matched with someone and talked long enough to get to the first date, I have learned a little more about myself and given myself a chance to grow.  I have had a blast.  Absolutely a blast.  People are so much fun.

NEXT

Indeed, this isn’t where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Not by a long shot.  I spent quite a long time post divorce feeling really sorry for myself – convinced that I was damaged goods, doomed to die alone – planning to adopt multiple cats to keep me company in my old age.   (Weird, because I hate cats.) 

But thankfully, I didn’t stay in that mindset. Time in God’s Word, conversations with friends who love me, and a whole lot of time at the feet of Jesus gave me the courage to choose to find joy again.   I took a risk in the world of internet dating and it’s paying off.  That’s what usually happens when you do the big scary thing in life – when you leap right toward NEXT – things work out.  And you grow.  

So here I am, navigating NEXT with a hopeful heart and an array of awesome anecdotes – hoping that you’ll realize that if I can do hard things, So Can You. 

Go chase NEXT, friends – and may your NEXT be blessed.

xoxo, Kim